This ranch is better than most I’ve seen where rations are a mighty lean.
We’re gettin’ oats and real good forage, better than stuff from year old storage.
Well, stayin’ in this corral, I’d say, is what I’d rather do today.
Then spend it with a dude, of course, who’s probably never rode a horse.
I’d like a dude who’s nice and quiet. And someone who’s still on his diet.
I see one there. He’s big as a tree, and chompin’ down breakfast with his eye on me.
He points and says, “That horse I’ll take.” Is this happening for heaven’s sake?
I’ll lay my ears back, show him my teeth! That dude needs to know I’ll soon be his grief.
I’ll tell you now this is ain’t no treat. I should’ve been born a parakeet.
He tries to mount but the stirrup’s too high. It’s time for me to be on the fly.
He gets on the fence and tries to leap. I step aside ‘cuz I’ve got quick feet.
He lands in the dust and what a cloud! Everyone’s coming, and we’ve got a crowd.
Am I in trouble with the hired hand? Or maybe Elmer’s on the hardware stand.
Two big dudes hoist him on my back. I’m thinkin’ now it’s gonna crack.
So why do I carry this big hunk of flesh? A dude horse’s life, well it just doesn’t mesh.
I’m pretty well ticked and wish I could yell, “Your butt’s made of lard. I sure feel like $##&!”
“How would you like it if I climbed your back? You’d prob’ly be feelin’ a man’s heart attack.”
I’m just bein’ silly. My view doesn’t count. He’s stuck in the saddle and sure won’t dismount.
So, let’s get this ride over and finish the course! It’s just a bad day for this dumb old dude horse.