COLUMN: 17 for ’17

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“When I was seventeen</em>

<em>It was a very good year</em>

<em>It was a very good year for small town girls</em>

<em>And soft summer nights</em>

<em>We’d hide from the lights</em>

<em>Under the village green</em>

<em>When I was seventeen”</em>

—from the song, “It Was a Very Good Year”, by Frank Sinatra

I wish I could say I was looking forward to 2017. A narcissistic man-child is going to be the most powerful human being on the planet in less than two weeks. As such, I can only hope the world still exists in 11 months-time for me to return to this space to see how this year’s predictions—which I offer to you now—fared.

Let’s get started.

1) Firstly, Russia will invade a sovereign nation for some trumped up reason. No one will stop them. The U.N. is feckless. The U.S. will soon be nothing more than Putin’s subservient puppet.

2) The new website Mormonleaks.com will not reveal anything other than uncomfortable information about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There will be no smoking gun that Joseph Smith faked the whole thing.

However, this website will expose the hypocrisy of those who were fine with a foreign country hacking information regarding Hillary Clinton, but are butt-hurt when it attacks the LDS Church.

3) In Logan, the proponents for a new library will throw Molotov cocktails through the windows of the existing library and claim it was a terrorist attack. Building a new library will then be a matter of patriotic duty to ensure America’s enemies do not win.

In the past year, the air conditioning broke down in the summer and the water pipes busted in the winter at the current library. I wonder if that will enter the conversation when it comes time to raise taxes to pay for a new building no one but elected officials appears to be clamoring to erect.

4) Vermont will secede from the United States and petition to join Canada. Soon after, I will look to move to Vermont.

5) The new Star Trek series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, will suck. This is an arbitrary prediction. As a Trekkie, I have little hope that another prequel series will succeed. Initial reports are that the show is a mess.

6) One of the Kardashian-Jenner brood will have a high ranking position with the incoming President of the United States. Irrelevant reality television garbage tends to cling to their own.

7) Mexico will pull a nobody-saw-that-coming move that will either cripple the U.S. economy or will seriously endanger the security of America. You can’t treat a longtime ally like a red-headed stepchild without them fighting back eventually.

8) A paranormal expert (OXYMORON ALERT) will make millions this year when he reveals how the Sasquatch have so successfully carried off their dead to avoid detection all of these decades.

There is no Big Foot. There never has been a Big Foot.

9) I will spend over $3,000 over the course of this year in Idaho on Sundays, or for liquor and gambling on other days. This money would otherwise go to Cache Valley businesses if places of interest were open, and buying such things was not treated like an immoral atrocity.

If Utah wants to treat me like a child that cannot make my own decisions I will give my money to a state that will treat me like an adult.

Ten days into 2017, my current IST (Idaho Sin Tally) is $32.45. Yes, I will keep count.

The Gem State thanks Utah for its economic theocratic oppression.

10) In Star Wars Episode VIII, Princess Leia will die. I have no inside information about this. With the death of Carrie Fisher, you would have to assume that if Leia does not die that they would need to use CGI to kill her off in Episode IX.

Ridiculous! Who would use CGI to bring characters back into a Star Wars movie? That would never happen!

Let’s do some sports predictions:

11) The Kentucky Derby winner will go off at 10-1 odds or longer.

12) LeBron James will win another NBA Championship…with some help from the Cleveland Cavaliers.

13) The Miami Marlins and the Colorado Rockies will both make the baseball playoffs.

14) The Utah State Aggies football team will go winless in Mountain West conference games.

15) Fox News will buy out Breitbart News and start allowing those ethically-challenged hacks to appear on the network with the guise of legitimacy. Not since the Jacksonian Era of the early 19th Century have Americans relied on suspect journalistic sources to become what passes for informed.

We are a nation of under-educated, misinformed partisans.

16) In North Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will run a marathon in under an hour, win the U.S. Open golf tournament with a score of -23, fly a paraglider to Mars and back, and, in a spectacular finale, will beat The Undertaker and John Cena in a “triple threat match” at Wrestlemania to become WWE Champion.

At least that is what his people will be told. Imagine a people so stupid they would believe every outlandish lie that spews from the mouths of a supreme leader’s handlers. That would never happen here. We are not that gullible.

17) And, finally, the man who I will only refer to in this space as President Sexual Predator come January 20th, will set new standards of ineptitude, endanger the world with his complete lack of diplomatic civility and will make dopes of his supporters when he does practically none of the things he promised to do when he convinced these bitter, ignorant, deplorable buffoons to exalt him to the most position on the planet.

I can only hope our military and intelligence officers have the fortitude to execute a coup to stop this immature lunatic before he really does blow us all back to whatever God his voters claim to believe in.

Let us see what this year brings.

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