<em>“I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.”</em>
I consider this column to be a public service to the people of Cache Valley and the world in general. And to prove that this is a dialogue, not a monologue, I will dedicate this column to answering letters, emails, Twitter and Facebook comments that have come into cachevalleydaily.com addressed to Your Humble Columnist.
Are these real comments from real people? I will not confirm or deny. Let’s just go with it and see where we end up.
— Bill R., Providence, UT
Me: Brevity is the soul of dimwits.
<em>“I love your column about turning Cache Valley into a dictatorship without elections. I might try to implement some of your ideas myself.”</em>
— Randy W., Logan, UT
Me: “Thank you for the compliment, Randy. Whoa! Wait! Randy from Logan? Are you……nah. It can’t be.”
<em>“You are not nearly as funny as you think you are.”</em>
— Andy, Preston, ID
Me: A Catholic priest, a rabbi and a Mormon bishop walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the three of them and asks, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
<em>“All you do is complain about Utah. You are a negative Nellie. Name 3 things that are great about Cache Valley.”</em>
—Nellie N., Hyde Park, UT
1. Some of the friends I have made here are the closest I have ever had. 2. I am very much satisfied with my children’s education. 3. I love Utah State.
<em>“You are a nobody columnist for a know-nothing website. If you had any talent, you would be writing for the Herald-Journal.”</em>
— Tyler R., Tacoma, WA
Me: If I did write for the Herald, I would have to read those anonymous comments printed underneath. The 20 people who feel the need to comment on every HJ column come off as bitter, disturbed people. Pass.
Add to that, my editor at CVD gives me tremendous leeway in what I write. If the HJ editor took umbrage with what I wrote, he could fire me. And you would have to be the most pathetic loser on Earth to get fired from the HJ.
<em>“How do you feel about your vote for Barack Obama’s re-election now?”</em>
—Mike L., Washington, D.C.
Me: Mitt Romney is not president. So I feel pretty darn good about it.
<em>“You’re a terrible person! I hate you! You are a fat, rude, ignorant, obnoxious unkempt bully!”</em>
— Merana M., Logan, UT
Me: I am not ignorant.
<em>“Your column on baby names was so rude! Who are you to criticize others for their names?”</em>
Me: Who had to spell their name more to strangers in the past month, me or you? Your parents are short-sighted morons.
<em>“Why do you start so many of your columns with quotes?”</em>
—Lucy, Orem, UT
Me: Allow me to answer that using a quote that has been attributed to both Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
<em>“The problem with your columns is everything is a joke to you. Discuss serious issues seriously.”</em>
— Ted, U.S.A.
Me: Yes, Ted, I do joke around a lot in my columns. That does not mean I do not take my subjects seriously. To me, humor is the best way to reach people. Whether it is to incite or inform, humor gains attention. And my columns are never without merit. The day I start to print faux emails from fake readers is the day that no one should take me seriously.
And on that note, the CVD mailbag is closed.