COLUMN: Random thoughts and magniloquence

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<p id=”docs-internal-guid-0-4fdd1b-cad7-0770-a389-4a2d6215cb79″ style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>“I don’t care what anybody says about me as long as it isn’t true.”</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>—Dorothy Parker</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”></p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>The bizarre irony of being in a good mood, as I currently am, is that it prevents me from effectively writing. It is very much plausible that the assertion that I am a bellicose curmudgeon is true. Perhaps I am one of those people who does not have a predilection towards creative writing when I am Shiny Happy Harry. Grumpy people are just more artistically inclined, maybe.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>As such, this week I will offer you another edition of my random thoughts—a blanketed blathering of blurbs with no discernible correlation except that they are things that are ruminating in my head.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* The Cache Valley Cruise-In really is a treasure. To sit out on the street during the week we celebrate American independence and watch so many classic cars drive by reminds me that automobiles are an indelible legacy to the growth and prosperity of this great nation. Things that suck in Cache Valley should be talked about. Things that are great here, like the Cruise-In, should be exalted. Saturday was a great day.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* The arrest of Michael Ballam is the supreme example of extreme overreach regarding the law and how it is enforced in Cache Valley. Ballam is the big cheese at the Utah Festival Opera Company, and is a man who—how can I say this as a compliment—is quite cognizant of his vast talents.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Last week, Ballam was found by a police officer to have an expired car insurance card. He was cited for this grievous offense and promised to take care of it. As he explains in a column that appeared in Tuesday’s Herald Journal, two days later he was pulled over again when a police car ran his plates and found that his was a car without insurance.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>He was arrested for not having an insurance card. Whaaaaaaa?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Is this what police officers in Cache Valley do with their time? Sit around and run license plates of cars that pass them on the street? Arrest people because they did not validate their insurance within minutes of being made aware it had expired?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>What’s the difference between this and perverts who peruse Facebook staring at photos? It is a waste of time and borderline creepy. Let me state what happened again:</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>The cops put a 61-year-old man in a jail cell because he did not have proof of insurance. And they found this out by randomly running a license plate of a car that seemed to be just driving down the street.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Orwell much?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>And what about the above-mentioned Cruise-In? Did the Logan PD have a cop stationed somewhere on Main Street, indulging in the smorgasbord of license plates available to them for unnecessary intrusion of privacy in the name of punishing the uninsured?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* The word of the day is magniloquent. It is an adjective that is defined at dictionary.com as: speaking or expressed in a lofty or grandiose style; pompous; bombastic; boastful.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* Two Democratic members of Congress introduced a bill this week that would establish a national park on the Moon. While the crux of the argument has some validity—that being, it is an historical site that should not be infringed upon by private flights to the Moon—there is a larger ideological issue here that I can’t help but offer a hearty guffaw in its direction.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Politicians in Washington, D.C. have grown so accustomed into believing government should run every aspect of our lives here on Earth that they now believe their domain of omnipotent guardianship now extends off the planet’s surface.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Who needs God when we have the United States Congress?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* College football is less than two months away. I want to address the people of Cache Valley right now about this upcoming season. On Friday, October 4th, BYU will come to Logan to play my (our?) beloved Aggies. If I am in Utah on that day, I will be in Romney Stadium. Every pompous weeniehead I see in that stadium wearing a shirt or hat with a Y on it is a fan who should be wearing an A instead.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>It is up to everyone in this valley to ensure that the number of BYU fans at that game is paltry and inconsequential. Why am I bringing this up the second week of July? Because people who live here are notoriously cheap. It’ll take most of you two months to budget in the price of a ticket.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Unloosen those purse strings just like Indiana Jones unearths a 3,000 year old tomb, pull out that lone $20 bill and buy a ticket to that game. Logan is not North Provo. We will have the home field; but the home field advantage is us.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>* On Sunday, a man and his young son knocked on my door and informed me they were collecting for fast offerings. I politely declined and closed the door. As snide as this will come off, I must offer the following hypothetical:</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>If I knocked on the door of an LDS family’s house and informed them that I was heading to the bar and was collecting money for my tab, would they be offended?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>If my point has not been made lucid, allow me to use more direct language.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Soliciting money from people you do not know at their homes for things you believe in is rude and discourteous. You should not do it.</p>

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