HarryTime: Naming Rights…and Wrongs

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

“Like the pine trees lining the winding road,

I got a name, I got a name.

Like the singing bird and the croaking toad,

I got a name, I got a name,

And I carry it with me like my daddy did.

But I’m living the dream that he kept hid.”

— from the song “I Got A Name”, by Jim Croce.

It’s HarryTime!

That’s the new name for this column. HarryTime. No space between the y and the capital t. It kind of reminds me of terrible Utah girl names like HayLeigh or KenZee. Until the day we have a President KenZee, this trend will continue to earn my unabashed scorn and ridicule.

One of my favorite columns was about stupid names Utahns give their kids. I called it “Life Ain’t Easy for a Boy Named Sioux”.

Did I really scribe that five years ago? I’m getting old.

I led that column with a Jim Croce song, just like this one. The main purpose for my lede quote, when I use one, is to set a tone for my weekly polemic. There was a Philadelphia sports columnist decades ago that used to pepper his pieces with short quotes and proverbs. I thought it was a highly effective tool and stole it when I first wrote for the Utah Statesman and kept the tradition alive all these years at CVD.

I do not fish for quotes. When I pick my subject I either have an opening that is front and center in my muddled mind or I just abstain from implementing this literary device.

After all these years of writing a column using familiar props, the one thing my columns never had was an official name. That changes now.

HarryTime. I am trying to love it. Much like a stepchild, I am having problems accepting it as my own.

Naming this space was not my idea. My editor informed me that cachevalleydaily.com is getting a reboot. Painting the walls firetruck red, white Persian rugs and a swanky new 8-head VCR are all in the plans as CVD will be featured in MTV’s new show, “Pimp My News Site.”

Nothing in that last sentence is true. I made it up to sound funny. How’d I do?

CVD getting a different look is actually happening. And it is time to ensure my columns do not get confused by other works. Specifically, The Mero Moment. This is a weekly transcript of an audio commentary spoken by Paul Mero. It appears on Fridays, one day after my offering. Outside of our mutual disdain for Donald Trump, Paul and I disagree on nearly every issue. I am happy to elucidate my weekly commentaries from his.

There is also a weekly feature on CVD entitled “Cowboy Poetry” by Bryce Angell. You would think there would be no confusion between me and Angell; but what you do not know is that I lobbied for years to have a second feature on CVD with the similar name of “Dallas Cowboys Poetry”. Here is my first entry, in the form of haiku:

Twenty-two year drought.

And the Eagles are now champs.

Suck on that, Dallas!

I never actually lobbied to pen a weekly poem about the Dallas Cowboys. I made that up in the hope that more people would like me. How’d I do?

When my editor asked me to think up a name for my columns, I was surprised how few creative or profound proposals I was able to conjure.

My first, best title was Full Frontal Harry. That is a term applied to me by friends that has the strange effect of being a noun, verb and adjective all at the same time. It is used when I am in a debate over a subject and my Philadelphia accent comes out. I tend be vulgar and intentionally insulting during these episodes. Unfortunately, this title extracts a visual inappropriate for a family-friendly website.

Inside Harry’s Head was offered. Too many characters in the title I was told.

The Philomathic Philadelphian? Too smug, even for me.

The Contrarian Caines? Sometimes I take the popular view on subjects. That makes the word contrarian paradoxical.

Those titles are an adroit administration of alliteration that few fellows can fathom.

How about a rhyming title?

Caines Complains was proposed. That was the name of radio commentaries I did years ago for KVNU here in Cache Valley. Remember when I was on radio? I engaged callers, was well-prepared and had an entertaining personality. Understandable why I have not been asked back.

My last name is Caines and do complain a lot. I still nixed this suggestion because the title belittles my typed arguments. There is a decided difference between what people hear and what they read.

My editor, returning to the creative mind’s natural instinct for alliterative monikers, suggested Halfwit Harry. This might be a good time to ask him how high an opinion he has of me. It seems to be a good thing that we do not engage in an annual performance review.

The decision is made. Even with the threat of a probable lawsuit to be filed by Stanley Burrell https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MC_Hammer, this column is now called HarryTime.

And, Your Humble Columnist promises that whether these commentaries appear on CVD for only one more week or 10 more years that the opinions will be unrelenting, honest and most definitively my own, right or wrong.

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