COLUMN: The Bacon-y Smell of the CVD Mailbag

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“The therapist said not to see you no more.</em>

<em>She said you’re like a disease without any cure.</em>

<em>She said I’m so obsessed that I’m becoming a bore. Oh no!</em>

<em>Ah…you think you’re so pretty!”</em>

—From the song “Laid”, by James.

Some weeks I just do not know if I want to scribe a column. So many things are going on that I feel I should step back and let the numerous stories in Cache Valley, the Beehive State, the formerly great nation known as America and the blue orb we all call home progress (regress?) for a week.

As such, this week I am offering a chance for you, my loyal (bored senseless?) readers to have your say. Let us traverse that backroad hootenanny known as the CVD Mailbag. Are these letters real? They are as genuine as every single word that spews from Donald Trump’s mouth.

<em>“You picked the Twins to win their division in your baseball article and they started the season with 9 losses! Thanks a lot, buddy! As a transplant from Duluth, I would appreciate it if you would keep your predictions to yourself.”</em>

— Jerry L. Richmond, UT

Aren’t Minnesotans supposed to be eternally optimistic? As I am typing this, the Twinkies have won four of their last five. Life is good!

If it helps ease your pain, as of right now I think the Vikings might be one of the favorites to make the Super Bowl this year.

<em>“You were right about the Oscars. They sucked. Were you happy with who won?”</em>

—Amal C., Cliffside

Yes, the Oscars did indeed suck! Thankfully I was at a party and under the influence of libations. My pain was minimal.

Is the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences so enveloped in their own self-importance that they sincerely believe we all want to be preached to about social causes for nearly four hours? It is bad enough that sideline reporters were discouraged from asking the attendees about the clothes they were wearing; but, when you add the silliness of elitists complaining about elitism whilst wearing those fancy vestments and you have 99.99% pure hypocrisy.

To answer your question, I was not happy. “Spotlight” was nothing more than an HBO movie with a predictable story arc. And the fact that it only won two Oscars makes me believe the Academy voters wanted to be socially conscience instead of voting for the two bold choices, “Mad Max: Fury Road” and “The Revenant” for Best Picture. Both of those films lapped “Spotlight” in both entertainment and artistic quality.

<em>“You are a weirdo for watching that girly Downton show. Especially when you claim to like Walking Dead. What’s your opinion about Game of Thrones?”</em>

—Raifus, North Logan

Raifus? That sounds like a name from “Game of Thrones”. Given the stupid names Utahns give their kids, I bet you did not even have the worst name in your class.

I must admit that after hurling savage invective at “Thrones” when it first came to television that I have now become quite an addict of the show.

I have done a fairly good job of avoiding spoilers for this Sunday’s season premiere. Given that the TV show has now surpassed where the story left off in the books, anything can happen from here onward.

Ain’t TV great?

<em>“Libraries are awesome, family friendly meeting places. What else should we put downtown to help bring life back to the city? Let me guess. A bar?”</em>

—LaMarr, Logan

Yes.

<em>“I am sick and tired of your manifestoes bad-mouthing Donald Trump, the greatest man alive today. I want to punch you in the mouth and laugh at you when Donald Trump sends his high priced lawyers to my hearing to have the charges dropped. Trump has my back, what do you got?</em>

<em>Only Trump can fight the liberals, the Mexican rapists, the Communists in the USSR and the evil Canadian cultist who will rise up and rule the world! With Trump as president, everyone will listen to him. Those muslim people will be too scared to fight such a successful man. We will have free bacon. And only Trump can make sure that there is beer on the Sun. Shut your mouth, loser!”</em>

—Zap Rowsdower, Coeur d’Alene, Idaho by way of Cremona, Alberta, Canada.

Wonderful. Now I am going to be humming the song “Oh I wish I was back in Old Canada” all day now. Thanks, Zap!

What is hilarious to me is that Zap is only the 2nd most ridiculous name in this column.

Donald Trump reminds me of something the great Voltaire once scribed:

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh.

Trump and Hillary really are signs of The End of Days. This election is almost as bad as the films lampooned on <a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy4Eo1UrL9A” target=”_blank”>“Mystery Science Theater 3000”</a>. But it really is happening!

Have a beer and relax, Zap. Your day to save the world will come again.

<em>“The column you wrote two weeks ago called Without A Mission read like a suicide note. Are you OK? Do you need to talk?”</em>

—Ash K. Salt Lake City, UT

I am fine. That <a href=”http://www.cachevalleydaily.com/opinion/article_7dcf6ab4-fc78-11e5-b671-e785c2d53771.html” target=”_blank”>column</a> was not a cry for help. Someone asked me a few weeks back how I pick my subjects for my columns. I have no answer for her. Sometimes I feel like spouting off about weird stuff. And on the rare occasions that I write about my life, I tend be very self-conscious about whether I am revealing too much about myself. I prefer to discuss who I am in metaphors.

Was there subliminal messages in that column? No more than usual…but certainly less than what I put in this week’s composition.

And on that cheeky note, I wish you all a very good weekend.

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