COLUMN: Fat, drunk, and stoopit

<strong>LOGAN– </strong>In recent weeks, there have been a few lists of rankings regarding the state of Utah that have caught my attention.

One list suggests that Utah ranked dead last in the U.S in the rate of teen drinkers. Another list claims Utah ranks in the bottom half of all states in high school graduation rates with a dismal 76%.

With these claims laid before you, allow me to propose the following syllogism:

1. Utah teens do not drink much.

2. Utah teens drop out of high school at a high rate.

Therefore, drinking makes teenagers smarter.

Is there flawed logic in that proposition? Of course there is. However, this is Utah, the state where legislators passed a law mandating restaurants prepare mixed alcoholic drinks behind a partition so as to not influence children into the awful habit of drinking while they eat their 2,000 calorie plate of chili cheese fries.

Logic never rests its weary head here.

Don’t worry, this column is not going to be another scathing rebuke of Utah’s laughably arcane liquor laws. That column is forthcoming. My focus here is how many in America tend to use statistics to verify the greatness of where they live while vilifying the evils of “those people” who live in Satan’s Cove – wherever that may be.

Many in Utah, and not just members of the LDS church, like to talk about the clean living that Utah affords. This is mostly true. Whenever a list comes out talking about Utah’s amazingly low crime rate, I usually feel pretty good about it given that I am the father of three children.

But, at what price comes safety? Boredom! What these statistics rarely tell us is that it is hard to be a victim of crime if you have been conditioned to be a sloth on your couch by 8 p.m. Growing up in a large city, I often took the subway around midnight to get to and from places of interest. When I exited the underground labyrinth unharmed, I had a reinvigorated appreciation for life. Sometimes a little danger can be good for the soul.

Allow me to suggest another wildly hyperbolic correlation between two unrelated findings.

Utah has famously been called the country’s most “business friendly” state by Forbes magazine. Utah has also ranked very low in every list that calculates obesity rates.

How do they mesh? Well, “business friendly” is not “worker friendly”. While some of these businesses are providing tech jobs that pay high wages to those with college degrees, most of these jobs are of the variety of stocking shelves and waiting on tables. Honorable work, but hardly the type that raises the population to a better quality of life. More often than not, it simply pays the bills.

It only stands to reason that Utahns are skinnier than other citizens. When you have to work two $9 an hour jobs just to make your mortgage payment, you stay physically fit. And, in spite of the continued spawning of chain restaurants that plagues Utah, for the most part, eating out is still an event.

Add to all of this a recently published report that said Cache Valley had an incredibly low unemployment rate. That’s great! The catch? Read above.

Lies, damn lies and statistics.

Do I dare bring up the black sheep of all Utah rankings? That which states manic depression and the overuse of Xanax is rampant in this beautiful Utopia we call home?

How about the USU’s men’s basketball team’s embarrassingly weak strength of schedule? That usually conjures up a heated argument about the power of numbers.

In the film “Animal House”, Faber College’s Dean Wormer addresses perennial slacker Kent Dorfman with the oft quoted line, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” I have to wonder how Dorfman would have ended up if he had been admitted to BYU.

Maybe Utahns are better than others in this country at avoiding vices. Perhaps I am wrong to denigrate this place for providing very little opportunity for professional advancement. And maybe, just maybe, all of these things are positives that attribute to the quality of life that I readily admit is one of Utah’s most endearing traits.

The comedian Steven Wright once said that 72 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. If I am to concede that Utah is an amazing place to live, it will be based on logic, reason and experience – not numbers.

One last stat: I have spent approximately 1/5th of my life here. I still do not consider this place my home. I must have been out of town when the “Best Places to Live” list came out.

<em>Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.</em>

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